I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but one thing that seems to be a constant in the Blah Blah world is Change. We seem frequently to be adjusting to some major life upheaval, and sometimes more than one at the same time. This has been a pattern pretty much since I met Sweet Dub, lo some nine years ago. (We met, I started a new job, I hated the new job, I quit the new job, I moved in with him, he proposed, we got married. And that was just the first year! In year two I had a cancer scare, surgery and then got pregnant! )
Now, we’ve just moved for the second time in a year. And you’d think I’d just want things to simmer down and be status quo for a bit. But I have to tell you: change is in the air.
I’m not enjoying what I do right now. Hm. How to explain it. Do any of you remember a children’s book called Beyond the Pawpaw Trees*? The heroine of the book, Anna Lavinia, misses her father, who is a dreamer and is missing for part of the book because he is off chasing rainbows. (I know, it sounds horrible and treacly, but truly I loved it and even as a kid I had no patience for pap, so bear with me as I am not doing it justice.) At any rate, at one point Anna Lavinia is eating oatmeal and juxtaposing in her mind how most people would say “Eat because you are hungry,” while her father would say “Eat because it is fun!” and she looks at her bowl and decides she is finished eating because once her spoon (which stood up in the oatmeal) had fallen over, the oatmeal wasn’t fun anymore.
Well, that’s how I feel. It’s not fun. And the things I want to do are so different from what I am doing, and I’m feeling kind of ecch. And blah. And blech. And all kind of how do I get there from here, and where do I find the time, and by the way I have bills to pay and kids to raise, and what about that husband of mine, maybe I should pay attention to him just a little bit so he doesn’t run off into the night, and honestly what are you thinking anyway, work is work and no one said it would be fun, and yeah.
Furthermore, and just to put it all out on the table, I hate all my clothes and I’m considering cutting my hair (this is partly because I’ve been unable to find my hair accessories since we moved, except for one lousy ponytail holder that was wrapped around the gear shift in my car).
Yeah, a little bit of existential whining here. What is it all about, what does it mean, why is my stomach so flabby? How is it possible that Ben & Jerry’s could create something that I don’t like**? And what about…Naomi?***
* Holy crap, it’s out of print and the cheapest used copy I can find is $129.99! One seller is listing it at $399.00. WHAT?! (I regret to inform you that my copy was lost when my mom donated all my childhood books after I left for college. Sigh.)
** It made my stomach hurt.
*** The tagline of the classic soap opera parody "Love of Chair" from The Electric Company. I just found out that “Naomi” turns out to be the mother of actors Jake and Maggie Gyllenhall. (According to Wikipedia – so it must be true!)
5 comments:
Ah, yes. I know the "blech" of which you speak. I went through it a few years ago. And while there hasn't been any MAJOR definative changes I am still making baby steps toward something better. And that makes me feel better. Even the small ones make a difference. Hang in there.
And I had to laugh about the ponytail holder on the stickshift comment. I have a whole collection!
Thanks, Bridget. Yeah, I'm hanging in and trying to figure out what small steps I can take now to help me feel better. More on this in a later post.
P.S. I found my "Beano" and my lockbox keys, but still no hair accessories! Where on earth could they be??
I hear you loud and clear. I want to go study gems. Is that so wrong? I hate what I'm doing now and I want out!
But all is not lost since at least I have my hair accessories. I wishs I could mail you some... Should I?
Mmm hmmm. I am living in the blech right now too. Last week I had an epiphany that I hate my job. Also decided that I don't enjoy staying home with my kids. Also hate my clothes & hair. Yay!
Misery loves company?
Cee, seriously, I don't know what happened to them. I'm wondering if I packed them with Viva's hair stuff (there's a basket of toiletries & such that I haven't looked through), so let's not give up hope.
Kristen, yeah, it's like that. One of my co-workers said we are all suffering from PTSD since the layoffs in June. It really does feel like that - like, I could lose my job in an instant, so what's the point, really? Trying to jostle myself out of that...
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