I am in a bad place, for a variety of reasons, and I have cut back again on blogging even though I want to do it. I seem unable to come up with a coherent interesting post. Added to that, today I got some bad news which is very personal and not something I can share - not just here, but with hardly anyone but Sweet Dub. He is already stressed out - we have some scary health things going on in our extended family - and I don't want to add to that, so for the moment I am keeping it to myself.
I am awash in anxiety and can't talk to anyone about it. It's very lonely. So I am feeling very anti-social and while Sweet Dub had arranged a full day of activities with friends for the 4th, I decided to sit this one out. He took the kids out and I have spent the day alone for the most part.
Some people when they are anxious turn to drugs or alcohol. Me? I turn to Windex and the vacuum cleaner. I clean house, perhaps because when things are more orderly I feel more calm.
My apartment is nice and tidy. I am exhausted. Periodically today I have burst into tears several times. Crying and cleaning is quite tiring.
I am frustrated and weary with the onslaught of obstacles thrown in my way. I know I am blessed and rich in many things: my little family is intact, healthy and fairly happy most of the time; I have a steady job; we have food and clean water and a roof over our heads. I know this and I am grateful for these things every day.
But. BUT. We are struggling financially and it is testing our marriage. We remain committed to each other for better or worse, as the vow goes. But it has changed the way we interact with each other. June was horrible. We snapped at each other a lot, and we fought without really making up fully afterward, which is very unusual. We don't fight. We disagree sometimes, of course, but we rarely fight.
This shift in our dynamic is only making me more anxious. So around we go.
Why am I writing this? To make sense of it myself, I suppose. I believe we will pull this car out of the ditch even if we have to do it with our teeth. But I am suffering right now, down here in this blasted hole. It's down and dirty and not in a fun way.
I hope to post again soon from a better place. On this Independence Day, praying for freedom and the return of good humor, and potato salad. The best to you and yours.
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