When heating up Trader Joe’s Middle Eastern pizza in the employee kitchen cube*, do not get so distracted by the person you are talking to (because you are talking about shoes! On sale! And the sale may still be going on! And she bought a pair of cute pumps for 20 bucks at the outlet store where the sale is happening!) that you put the pizza into the toaster oven on a Chinet plate and press “toast.” And, even after your co-worker leaves, either not noticing your gaffe or not telling you, do not get so lost in your own thoughts that you don’t even think to check on your pizza until right before the smug little toaster oven “ready” bell dings.
Chinet does not smell so good when it’s been browned.
For more helpful tips on returning to the work world, send your check or money order for $19.95 to:
I am a Moron
P.O. Box 00
Los Angeles, CA 90000
But act now – supplies are limited! (Mainly because we haven’t figured out yet how the photocopier works.)
But wait, there's more! Tip #2: Do not finish your lunch at your desk, eating Pirate's Booty and scattering cheesy Booty dust all over your black pants. It does not add to the über-professional, "I can handle anything" appearance you are going for.
That's right, only $19.95. Act now! You don't have to be a moron!
* We have an actual break room in one portion of the cavernous office space we lease, and a cubicle with a sink, toaster-oven, mini-fridge, and microwave in another portion of the cavernous office space we lease.