Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Tip for the Newly Employed

When heating up Trader Joe’s Middle Eastern pizza in the employee kitchen cube*, do not get so distracted by the person you are talking to (because you are talking about shoes! On sale! And the sale may still be going on! And she bought a pair of cute pumps for 20 bucks at the outlet store where the sale is happening!) that you put the pizza into the toaster oven on a Chinet plate and press “toast.” And, even after your co-worker leaves, either not noticing your gaffe or not telling you, do not get so lost in your own thoughts that you don’t even think to check on your pizza until right before the smug little toaster oven “ready” bell dings.

Chinet does not smell so good when it’s been browned.

For more helpful tips on returning to the work world, send your check or money order for $19.95 to:

I am a Moron
P.O. Box 00
Los Angeles, CA 90000

But act now – supplies are limited! (Mainly because we haven’t figured out yet how the photocopier works.)

But wait, there's more! Tip #2: Do not finish your lunch at your desk, eating Pirate's Booty and scattering cheesy Booty dust all over your black pants. It does not add to the über-professional, "I can handle anything" appearance you are going for.

That's right, only $19.95. Act now! You don't have to be a moron!

* We have an actual break room in one portion of the cavernous office space we lease, and a cubicle with a sink, toaster-oven, mini-fridge, and microwave in another portion of the cavernous office space we lease.


E. said...

Man, cheesy Booty dust on your pants. Ain't that a bitch!

I am constantly putting my lunch in the toaster oven on the first floor of the little building my office is in, then returning to the second floor where my office is located, then forgetting about my lunch and jumping up to rescue it only when the smell of charred food floats up the stairs. Why can't I just sit and wait for it? Too impatient, and I always think "This time I won't forget..."

Lisa Blah Blah said...

Well, I haven't done that yet. Emphasis on yet.

Cee in SF said...

Well, of course you got distracted. Shoes for $20 at the outlet store!? Need more info...

Do you watch the U.S. version of the Office? There's an episode where the temp causes the fire alarm to go off because he left something in the toaster oven. The office geek serenades the temp with a Billy Joel-ish song, "Ryan started the fire!" Don't make us serenade you.

Lisa Blah Blah said...

Cee, I am such a frickin' The Office geek that not only do I know that episode, but I know that B.J. Novak, the actor who plays Ryan, actually wrote that episode. There is a guy at my new job who bears a physical resemblance to Dwight (but thankfully, is actually quite normal behaviorally), but I have not posted about him because that would be wrongy wrong wrong.

"Ryan started the fi-YUH!" Yeah, that's what she said.

Cee in SF said...

Yes, but are you geeky enough to know that the actress who plays Pam has a myspace page that she writes while on the set of The Office? The actors who play Creed and Angela also have pages. I can't remember if BJ (Ryan) does. Their set computers really work and they get bored.

Thank goodness someone else loves that show. My Thursdays revolve around. Much like my Fridays revolve around The Soup. (See how I brought it around again to lunch?)