In the past week, it seems that the planets have not been aligned in my favor. To wit:
The Planets Are Fucking With Me Moment #1. I closed the door of the Jeep in such a way that I trapped my leg between the seat and the door, mangling my ankle while at the same time blocking the door handle, so I had to mash my hand behind my leg to open the handle and free my bruised ankle.
TPAFWM Moment #2. I waited over an hour in my gynecologist's office without being examined. I got up and told them I had to leave to pick up my kid from school and I would like my co-payment back. The doctor came out, gave me a free sample of my prescription, wrote me a year's worth of refills and sent me on my way. I didn't get my co-payment back and had no time to bicker about it because I needed to go get Viva. I left the office, and just minutes later experienced:
TPAFWM Moment #3. The elevator did not appear. After waiting a couple of minutes and getting ever more pissed off that I had wasted my time at the doctor's office, and ever more anxious about picking up my sugar cube on time, I decided to take the stairs. I hustled down eight flights of stairs to the parking lot door, only to find the door was locked. I went back up one flight. Door also locked. Ran up a few more flights. Door locked. Panicking now, started hammering on the door. So panicked I couldn't wait, ran up another flight and tried that door. Locked. At that point, someone a couple of floors below opened the door. I screamed, "Wait, wait! I'm locked in the stairwell!" I ran back down practically weeping with gratitude, out of breath but who can tell if it was from panic or because I had been running around like a hamster on an exercise wheel. To add insult to injury, I had to pay for parking.
TPAFWM Moment #4. When I leased my car, I wrote a check for the down payment. I then deposited an out-of-state check to cover it. (Infiniti Finance said they would hold my check - i.e., not deposit it - for a set number of days.) My bank held the out-of-state check longer than I had understood they would, and my check bounced. Infiniti said they could not resubmit a check that had been refused. I drove over to Infiniti to put the down payment on my debit card. Because I had taken $40 out of the ATM earlier that day, my bank would not let me charge that much on the card. The money was there; they just have a limit on how much you can charge per day. I then had to drive through a construction zone at 2 mph during the lunch rush, wait in line, and then get a cashier's check, for which the bank wanted to charge me six bucks. Keep in mind that they have already charged me an insufficient funds fee for the earlier screw-up. People, I am not proud. I explained to the cashier what had happened and that I had basically tricked off my afternoon straightening this out and was there any way she could waive the fee. She did. See what happens when you ask nice?
TPAFWM Moment #5. Oh, I forgot to mention: on the way over to the dealership, I needed gas. I stopped at an ARCO and slid my debit card through the reader. It was refused. Weird, but whatever. I drove further down Santa Monica Blvd. to a 76 station, which was so jammed, I couldn't get off the street. I drove to another ARCO on Sunset Blvd., slid my card through the reader, and again, it was refused. Now I was freaking out because I was wondering if it was just ARCO, who just changed their charge machines due to their merger with BP, or if there was no money in my account, which couldn't possibly be, because I just checked it that morning. Besides which, I was just about to go charge a substantial amount for the car down payment and I didn't want the card to be rejected while I was there, because they would have every reason to say, "You obviously have the money management skills of a gnat. We can't let you have this car. Please remove your car seat, leave your keys at the desk, and wait outside for the Glendale Beeline." People, you are not even going to believe what a big moron I am. I went to a fourth gas station, got out, started to run my card through the reader - and realized I had been trying to use my supermarket club card.
Are you crying yet? Because I was clonking myself in the head with the gasoline nozzle, I was so pissed off at myself. And then! I ended up paying fifty bucks for gas!
TPAFWM Moment #6. CAVEAT: This may be too much information for you. Our current method of birth control is the NuvaRing. You put it in for three weeks, you take it out for a week, you insert a new one. Lather, rinse, repeat. I knew that I was supposed to take mine out on Tuesday, and I was checking the calendar to see when my Aunt Flow was scheduled to arrive. NuvaRing has come up with this earth-shattering way for users to remember when to take the Ring out and insert the new one: you put stickers on your calendar. I was looking at the stickers and something did not look quite right. Suddenly, I realized I should have taken the Ring out one full week earlier. I put the sticker on the wrong damn day, ladies and gentlemen. I was a bit panicked*, because, well, um, there had been some Blah Blah action the night before and I wasn't sure if we were, well, protected. Long story short: it appears we are fine. But what the hell? Where is my goddamn brain?**
* I am noticing that I am panicking quite a bit throughout this post. This is not my usual state. No, seriously.
** I am noticing that I asked that question in my last post. My brain is clearly enjoying some well-deserved rest on a tropical island in the sea. Aloha, Brain! i mish you!
TPAFWM Moment #7. Viva woke up Friday and said she was going back to bed. She said she had no desire to go to school and that if I made her go, she would make me pay for years of expensive therapy many years hence. (I know! She is only 2, and so sophisticated with the language!) Um, so I had to cancel my big-time job interview, which led to a conversation with Sweet Wills in which he basically told me to stop going for jobs I didn't even want. He said he will support me in trying to find a job writing. Creatively. As in, not grant writing. I love him with all my heart, but if anything, I feel even more adrift and (wait for it) panicked (yes!) at the idea of trying to make this happen so quickly.
By the by, I didn't get the short-term freelance grant writing gig, which I didn't really want, but it is still never fun to be rejected.
TPAFWM Moment #8. My grandmother signed the purchase and sales agreement on a new house. She and my mom and my sister and brother-in-law and two nephews will all be moving into a brand new house which is being constructed for them as we speak. They have driven up here, right past my exit on the freeway, several times of late during this process. I haven't seen them since May. If they ask me when I'm coming to visit, lots of smelly brown fecal matter is going to fly.
TPAFWM Moment #9. We have a termite infestation in our building. They seem to be quite fond of the master bedroom, so after a long day at the donut factory, Sweet William has been coming home and vacuuming out our window pretty much every day this week. We need to move. We need to move. My skin is crawling right this second thinking about those damn termites.
Needless to say, I feel I must light a candle to some saint or something, because I clearly need help, and I need it now. Go in peace. May the Force be with you.