Friday, September 30, 2005

Upside Down, Inside Out

I can’t do anything today. I have been kidnapped and am being held captive by the twin demons Lethargy and Apathy, who seem to take great pleasure in having me get up, go into another room, and then not remember why I went in the first place.

There are two issues that are immobilizing me these days: my lack of gainful employment, and my relationship with my family.

I had a horrible dream early this morning, involving me having a fight with my mom and my sister. There was much screaming and cursing and hitting on my part. Now, I am not a hitter in real life, but I am clearly very pissed off at my mother. In the dream, I wasn’t angry at my sister per se (and I am not in real life, either), but she was butting into the argument in defense of my mother, which translated into her telling me everything that was wrong with me, which made me completely lose my mind.

I woke up, got up and went to the bathroom, and then lit a candle and sat down to pray for a moment. I am not a churchy person, but I do believe in a higher presence, which most of the time I refer to as God. When I have to visualize Her, God is usually hanging about in overalls with a ‘do rag on Her head, I guess because the God I believe in is a kind of “get your hands dirty/life is messy” kind of God. Anyway, I sat and talked in my head and ultimately asked Her for a sign of what I am supposed to do with all this. Thus far, She has sent me a job posting for another writing job, and a reminder to act out of love. So I will try again. What else can I do?

I admit that I don’t know what the best thing is to do in terms of my mom, and right about now, I’m feeling a little Costanza-ish. Do you remember the episode of Seinfeld where George decides his gut instincts about everything, his entire life, have never worked out for him, so he decides instead to do the opposite of what his instincts would have him do? That’s where I’m at with my mother. What I’m doing now is obviously not working, so I have to come at it from a completely different direction.

If only I could figure out what that might be. And when I figure out the secret workings of the universe, I’ll let you in on that, too.

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