In Search of Clarity

I am very, very confused these days. I had decided not to freak out about my job search and just to spend some time focusing on meeting deadlines for two grant proposals I was writing for the charter school with which I am volunteering. That is what I have been doing for most of this week. I am pleased to say that I think I put together a pretty great grant package - I think it is well-written, I think it makes sense, I think it has a cohesive and professional look, I included all the stuff they asked for and carefully chose just two pertinent supplemental items which were not required to round out the application. I hope we get the money. Viva and I went to a dinner at the home of one of the other parents last night, and the parents all seemed suitably impressed by what I had put together.

So this morning I just needed to tweak it a bit and put it in the mail, and I was looking forward to having a somewhat low-key day in the sense that I didn't have any obligations hanging over me, aside from laundry, running to the dry cleaners, Office Depot, Goodwill and the supermarket. I thought maybe I could write a bit and kind of mellow into my weekend.

Instead, two representatives from my former employer have called me in one day. The first left a message asking me to call back and schedule an interview for a full-time job. The second one left a message asking me to call back about some freelance work.

I wish that if God/Fate/a plate of cheese had some great plan for me that the signs would be clearer than this.

Just this morning, after dropping Viva off at school, I sat down and wrote a "To Do" list so I wouldn't waste my whole free day. Sadly, it did involve items such as "do laundry," "go to post office," and the like, but it also featured "e-mail [contacts in the work world, who shall remain nameless] about freelance work." Basically, I had decided to let everyone know that I have abandoned all hope of a full-time job and that if they hear of any freelance stuff, to send it my way. Of course, what with cleaning, washing clothes, and paying bills, I had not sent the e-mail when I got the first message about the full-time job. (I was in the laundry room when the first message came.)

Zrrrrrpp. That's my brain. I am quite possibly one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet, and thus, I feel like some indistinct feline animal, caught between two hyenas, turning and snapping at one and then the other.

What about THIS option? [Turn, hiss] What about THAT option? [Turn, snap]

I'm taking some comfort from my horoscope, believe it or not, which indicates that two friendly eclipses this month will bring a new perspective: "you will suddenly understand the situation in a new way, which could lead you to a breakthrough solution." Come on, eclipse! Bring it on!

I may be grasping at straws, but you gotta take hope where you can find it.

And the person who wants me to do some freelance work for her was supposed to call me 20 minutes ago. We had a phone conference arranged. [Turn, hiss, lunge!]