Dear Mr. Columbus,
May I call you Chris? I am writing to you today because today the United States of America celebrates you and your “discovery of America” via landing off the Florida coast back in 1492. Well, sort of. I think only public schools, banks, and government offices celebrate you, because everyone else seems to be going about their business as if they have never heard of you.
Chris, I have to say that I’m disappointed in this whole charade. We all know you didn’t actually discover America, since there were indigenous people living here already, we all know you did not open a new route to India and that in order to cover your ass, you decided to bring back slaves. Apparently, you had some experience with this, as before you set sail on your famous journey, you were a slave trader for the Portuguese, bringing West Africans to Portugal for sale as slaves. I realize there are a lot of reasons why you and I might not get along.
But in all honesty, Chris, I have to say the reason that I’m really irritated with you today is that, after a long weekend away, I have piles of laundry to do, and I’m low on quarters, and the banks are closed. And the people at the supermarket are hoarding their quarters since they won’t have coin delivery until tomorrow. And all this is because of you and your damn holiday.
Quite frankly, I think I would be less ticked off if this were due to something other than this bogus damn bank holiday. So, Chris, on behalf of me and my Gingaskin ancestors, and the many others who got screwed by your legacy of genocide, slavery, and colonialism, I’m flipping you off.
Lisa Blah Blah
P.S. Dude, do something about your official portrait. That hairdo is really a hairdon’t.